somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
