When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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