It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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