Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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