I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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