Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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