sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
So vagazzling was a success
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
