i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Randomize
