The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
