My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
