I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
