I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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