dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
