She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
