Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
