If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
