I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
