woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I can't turn off my feet"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
