My underwear smells like fireworks.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Why is there bacon in the couch?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
