He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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