she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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