Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
