Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
