The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
