Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I did not marry a roomba.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
