I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Drunk is a universal language darling
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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