At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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