Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
