Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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