Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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