So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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