I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
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