Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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