I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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