I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
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