Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I got inside last night via doggy door
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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