I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
