I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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