walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
