Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
