he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
