I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
