vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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