no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
