You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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