Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
