So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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