"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
