is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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