and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
