I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
