the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
